Rachel Ray’s Bacon “Recipe”

I find celebrity chefs of the TV variety to be about as appealing as corn dogs and Mountain Dew. Unlike real masters, like Thomas Keller, Charlie Trotter and Alice Waters, the Jamie Olivers and Paula Deans are far more adept at mugging and shtick than craft and artistry.

That’s why I enjoy watching them flame out like a fatty steak on a hot grill. Rachel Ray, whose culinary expertise is based on peeling open boxes and cans of processed food-like chemicals, slopping them together, and pronouncing “How cool is that?” with a psychotic-cheerleader smile blasted across her face, recently published a recipe for “Late Night Bacon”.

Yup. Apparently one of her corporate paymasters has decided that Americans who prefer the convenience of “pre-cooked” bacon need a remedial course in how to microwave bacon. Rachel has kindly obliged by posting a “recipe” on the Food Network site that explains how to put bacon between paper towels and stick it in the microwave.

The real treat is in the comments such as:

“Finally, someone has the courage to defy the Illuminati and publish the sacred “Late Night Bacon” recipe in its full, unedited glory. I only hope that Rachael lives long enough to publish the follow-up epic: Peeling an Orange.”

“Do you have any recipes for cereal? The kind in a box? I really like cereal, but it seems tricky- milk first? cereal? big spoon? little spoon?”

“I was overwhelmed! The paper towels, the arranging, the microwaving….TOO MUCH! Sticking with eating peanut butter out of the jar.”

“This is why Jews don’t eat bacon…it’s much too complicated.”

“This looks so good and easy, but I don’t have paper towels. Can I use aluminum foil instead? Please advise. UPDATE: I used Kleenex tissues with Vicks to absorb the grease and they left a funky taste on the bacon. Will the tissues with aloe vera fare better? Please advise.”

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